Van Helsing

You know that feeling after a heavy night of drinking, right before you're going to throw up? I now dub that the Van Helsing feeling. When you feel so terrible, you just want to vomit. After sitting through Stephen Sommers Van Helsing, that is how I felt. There is nothing redeeming about this film. It is slow, sluggish, and filled with way too much bad CGI. Think I Am Legend, but far worse. For an action film, Van Helsing barely qualifies. How far-fetched, ludicrous, and boring can a movie with Dracula, the Wolfman, and Frankenstein's monster get? Essentially, the "story" features Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) tracking down the classic movie monsters, while simultaneously romancing Kate Beckinsale. But the film barely makes sense, and the characters are all so dull it is hard them watch them without groaning. Frankenstein's monster is whiny, Dracula is laughable, and the heroes forgettable. The Wolfman is the only likable character, because as an all CG character he never speaks and hides in the shadows for most of the film. As you may have gleaned, I very much dislike Van Helsing and only encourage viewing it when treating it as a Mystery Science Theater affair. God, even writing this makes me want to Van Helsing. I don't know if I can keep it down.

Genre - Action (1.25)

Screenplay (1)
Acting (2)
Production (1)
Directing (1)